Placing....Not Giving Up

Brian and I were flipping through channels the other day when a movie caught his attention. It was one of those "dumb funny" ones. The kind that you roll your eyes at most of the time, but find yourself laughing at the most ridiculous things. The back story was about this guy that was adopted and he was out searching for his biological parents. The phrase that kept being tossed around was, "They gave you up for adoption." This sparked a conversation between Brian and I. When I hear "give up" I think that they literally gave up on the child.

I understand, in some cases, this is true. Some birth-moms leave their child on a doorstep, or in the hospital, or they just don't take care of them so the child is taken from them. So, I guess this phrase would be more appropriate. But in our case.....this is NOT true. I prefer to say that Daylen was placed for adoption. He was literally placed in my arms by his birth-mom. She cried as she said good-bye. She searched for a family that would love and care for him. So, NO she didn't GIVE HIM UP.....She loving PLACED him.

Yes it is a small phrase and one that is overlooked most of the time. But it is a phrase I will NEVER use around my son! I will always explain to him that his birth-mom carried him for 9 months, delivered him and then placed him in my arms in adoption. I do not want him to ever have the feeling of being abandoned or left or gave up on. I want him to KNOW that he us PLACED LOVINGLY!

Sweet Sounds

Some may not admit it, but I honestly believe that the scariest part of being an adoptive parent (other than the birth-parents reconsidering, during the waiting period) is the possibility of not making a bond with your child. I blame the Lifetime Movie Network, Dr. Phil and Opera for this scare. They rarely make movies of adoptive families that are perfectly happy, or they next to never have guests that were adopted and have gone on to become a successful member of society. Why? They exist! Hundreds of us are Adoption Success Stories!

But before I knew we were going to be a "success Story" I was worried about the same exact things! (Again because I was watching A LOT of Daytime T.V.) I read the books, I asked opinions, I slept with blankets that we would put in the crib, I wrote in journals, I lived on "Google" seeing what others said, I prayed, and prayed, and prayed!

Then I walked into the hospital room and held MY son. The bond was instant. He laid his head on my chest and closed his eyes. Not one cry, not one stiffening, not one concern. His little hand reached up and took hold of my necklace and still to this day when he is sleepy and we are cuddling he grabs onto that necklace. It was obvious that we were bonded.

As he got a little older, little things reconfirmed that fact for me. And most of them were very small. Like when he was learning to walk and his little hands were holing onto my finger. Or when he was learning to run and fell and he reached out to me for comfort and laid his head on my shoulder. The time he was shooting hoops at the "Big Hoop" and made it,then scanned the room to find me to make sure I was watching him and waited for me to clap and say Good Job until he would try again (even though there were at least twenty other people cheering him on). And even the first couple of moments after getting up from a nap and he just wants to sit on my lap and cuddle. One of my favorites happened right after this picture was taken. When Day crawled over to Brian and planted a kiss on his cheek and wrapped his tiny arms around his neck.

So, Yes I would say that those movies and all those talk shows are only showing a very small percentage of the adoption world. All that is needed for that bond to take place is unconditional love!

Dandelion Dust

Against my better judgement I downloaded the book, "Like Dandelion Dust" by Karen Kingsbury. It's a Christian Fiction book about an adoptive family who are suddenly faced with a fraud adoption and the risk of loosing their son. It was a book I had on my wish list for a while but was to fearful to read it. It seamed it would hit a little too close to home.....but curiosity got the best of me and the next thing I knew it's 2:00 a.m. and I am crying my eyes out reading this story. The title "Like Dandelion Dust" holds a lot of different meanings through out the story, but it made me realize......EVERYTHING we have is like dandelion dust! No matter how tight we hold onto it.....it could blow away with no chance of ever catching it.

I, of course, found myself in the story. And the similarities were frightful. The boy was born in September, he had a stuffed monkey he liked to sleep with, every morning he climbed into his mom and dad's bed before he started his day, he loved playing basketball and his favorite breakfast was french toast. The exact same as my own son. About half way through I felt a knot in my stomach. I KNEW this was just a story, a fiction story but what if...what if we were faced with the same logistic that was described on these pages? Everything we had, Everything we knew could be gone....just like that....like dandelion dust.

I laid there with my eyes closed, but not sleeping for about thirty minutes. I flashed through all the little moments I had through the day. Making breakfast, drying tears, watching the same cartoon ALL day, playing with cars, shooting hoops, cuddeling...cuddeling...cuddeling. I would for sure miss cuddling the most. I slipped out of bed and tip-toed into Daylen's room and sat down next to his bed. I watched as he slept in the only home he had ever known....he would EVER know.

I rememberd back to when we first brought Daylen home. We had to go through many days of waiting for the lawyers and social workers to finalize paper work, for birth parents to sign releases, for judges to review and confirm, for prayers to be answered, for God's Will to be revealed. I remembered thinking that the day we could officially say he was "OUR SON" would never come. It seemed, in those days, that he would be gone.....Like Dandelion Dust.

But here I sit, two years later, watching MY son sleep, in a room that will forever be his, in a home that will always be his, next to a Mommy that will always be known as his.

Look around you, if everything you had vanished like Dandelion Dust, what would you miss the most?

I am reminded

Like a billion other people, I am on Facebook. It has proven to be more joy than I thought it would be. I have been able to reconnect with old friends. And more importantly rejoice and morn with them. Just in the past couple of weeks I have learned about a college friend's young daughter that was diagnosed with kidney cancer. Though I have not spoke or seen this friend in years, I still ached for him and his family. I won't keep you on the limb....she did have her kidney removed and is healing wonderfully. Our Lord has delivered her from death! I have been in little contact with him since I learned of the news, but I assured him that they were in our prayers and thoughts. I have found myself getting on fb every morning just to check on her progress and thankfully, every day brings better and better news.

As I sit and "check" on her I am reminded what a blessing we have been given with a healthy child. I am not "guarded" enough to think we are exempt from illness, but up to this point we have had a healthy child. My nieces and nephews have been spared from grave illness. As I look at my extended family I realize that my cousins and their children have been protected. I don't say this as a "bragging session" only for the amazing-ness!

If you have scoalded your child for a messy bedroom, or told them to stop running in the house, or had to clean up a milk spill....count your blessings!! Your child is home with you and not in a hospital bed. They have healthy strong legs and an appetite. Be reminded that we are blessed!!!

Please lift up our little friend! I am not posting her name due to "protection" but God will know who you are talking about!! :)

Do I look Real?

Something a non-adoptive birth parent probably never thinks about is the word "REAL". But this is a word that has become one that has brought about a great deal of emotion for Brian and I.

When we first got Daylen and introduced him to all of our friends and family, one question that was often asked was, "Did you get to meet his real mom?" It always would bring a tug to our hearts and a tiny lump to our throats, but not wanting to hurt feelings we would just answer, "Yes, we were able to talk with her for the few days we were in the hospital."

We would often discuss these moments and question our reaction. What I really wanted to say is, "Are my breaths real? Is my skin real? Is my love for this perfect child real? Is the worry of him being taken away from us at any given moment real? Is waking up in the middle of the night just to see if he's breathing real? Are the tears of complete delight real? And are the tears of complete fear real?" But of course this was not a response I would want to give. So we decided on a reaction that would be more appropriate. "Yes we were able to visit with his BIRTH MOM when we were there."

It didn't take long for people to catch on to what we were saying. So, for you adoptive parents out there.....NEVER feel as if you are not REAL! You are more than real to your child. Your hugs and kisses are real. Your smiles and cheers are real. Your complete Joy is real!!! And for you non-adoptive parents...unless you are talking to a cardboard cut out, please don't assume they are not real. Their feelings are very real and the love they have for that child they are holding is more real than one could ever imagine.

Traditions

It's Christmas time!! My favorite time of year! I LOVE the lights, songs, cookies, movies...all of it. And I have a few traditions I like to practice. I like cutting down a fresh tree, and going home to decorate it while watching a Christmas movie. And when it's decorated we turn all the lights in the house off and turn on the tree lights. Then we wrap up in blankets and go look at the house from outside. Crazy? Maybe! But it's what we do.

This year was the first year that Daylen really got into the whole decorating thing. He loves the lights and was a amazed that we had a tree in the house. He walks around the house gently touching the decorations and turning on all the singing stuffed animals. It is such a joy having a child in the house at Christmas time. The magic comes back.

As I was watching him watch "Rudolph" I felt a tug at my heart. For every Christmas tradition I share with him, is one that his birth mom doesn't get. I am the one that gets to see his face on Christmas morning. I am the one that lets him eat Christmas cookies for breakfast. I am the one that shops for the perfect toy and wraps it up and nervously waits to see if he likes it. I guess I felt a little guilty.

So this year....a new tradition. Since we are blessed with an open adoption, we have the opportunity to share pictures and letters. We are picking a few extra pictures this year and making a "Year Journal" for Ashley (our birth mom). We chose pictures of our year and I downloaded them to a little scarp book (Shutterfly, Walgreens, Snapfish, etc. They all have them) with the story of what we were doing.
We send pictures through the year, but most of them are of Daylen. These are of all of us "living our traditions". I figure as Day gets older he will be able to help us pick out pictures and tell us what he wants to say about them.

I am not trying to fill a void. I am only trying to build a bridge that joins us together a little easier. So she can see what his life is and I pray she sees it as what she wanted for him.

I'm trying to make you proud

Our son has beautiful big brown eyes. The kind of eyes that can look right through you. We call them his "Hershey Kiss" eyes. I literally pray for strength to stand up to those eyes.

Yesterday, we were having a serious study on the book, "I Love You Through and Through" when Daylen looked at me and was desperately trying to explain something to me. Like every mommy I acted as if I understood. While he was going through his report of the book I was looking into those brown eyes of his. I saw myself. I'm not just talking about my reflection, I am talking about MYSELF!

Shortly after the book report I laid him down for his nap and I went to my room and knelt down. This is what I prayed:

"Heavenly Father, You know that we are beyond grateful for the blessing you gave us when you gave us Daylen. And You know I come to You often with prayers of Thanksgiving for him. Today, Lord, I come to You for guidance. I saw myself in his eyes today. And Lord it made me realize those perfect brown eyes are absorbing my EVERY move. Help me be the Mommy that those eyes see walking in YOUR path. Make me the Mommy that never brings unnecessary tears. Give me the knowledge to know when those eyes are saying words that are unspoken. Lord...more than anything....Make me the mommy that those eyes will look at with pride!"

Later that day I was doing some laundry when I came to the conclusion that I really don't care what the world thinks of me. As long as I am making my son proud....that is all I ask! And I know that if I am doing things that make him proud I am on the right path to making HIM proud too!