Mogasheen

WOW....Talk about a long time since I have been here....I won't lie...it's because I forgot my login and password.  Thankfully I pushed my way through and found my way back.  Not that it bothers anyone.... considering I am pretty sure I am writing this for myself only.  None the less....I'm back and will continue to do so....until I can't figure out how to log in!


Well, today is April 30, 2013. Tomorrow is May 1st!!!!  And in this house this means that it is the beginning of the end of school.  YAHOO!!!  So, it's a very exciting, full month. And it MIGHT be my favorite month...WHY....because it is the beginning of summer and I LOVE SUMMER!!!!!!!  I have always loved summer. I love the sun, the pool, long nights, the sounds, the heat... and of course vacation.  VACATION....ahhhh what a nice word. 

I have shared some vacations that I have taken, and plan to take in the future, but one vacation that I hold dearest to my heart is the one we take in July.  Same place, same time every year...for the past.......I don't know how many years. I tried adding it up once, but lost track.  It's close to 30 years for me....but close to 45/50 years for my dad.  I grew up going to the same spot my dad grew up going to in Northern Wisconsin.  A small family owned resort that has the same smells and feel as it did when I was six years old. 

The last five minutes of the eight hour drive are always the longest, but at the very last second, right before we arrive to the lodge, we catch our first glimpse of the lake.  We open the car door and take a deep breath of the woods/lake/and someones early lunch of grilled burgers and hot dogs.  We can't unpack fast enough....(our secret can now come out.....as kids would do a great job of annoying our parents the last hour of the drive so when we arrived they would tell us to go play while they unpacked....all part of the plan!) 

The week is filled with late mornings of drinking coffee on the deck, afternoons with coolers filled with dips/chips, sandwiches, cookies, soda, water, beer, long boat rides, dinner eatin at the local pub wearing a wet swimsuit covered in jean shorts and t-shirts. 

When the sun goes down and all the boats are docked for the night, we gather around the same kitchen table that has been there since the beginning and bond...sometimes over a game, sometimes over a glass of milk and a Ho-Ho. But we share our laughter, our cries, our cries from laughter.

Over the years, I have celebrated this week with countless family members and many friends.  And at some point during the week I am reminded of one particular person and smile at the memory.  Most recently I have shared a cabin with my parents, my husband, my son, and our dearest friend.  As it will be this year! 

I cherish the thought that Daylen will grow up with these memories, as I did, and as my dad did. 
YAY for Summer and triple YAY for vacation!!!!

I wanna be just like you

These two faces bring such joy to my life!!!!  I honestly don't know where I would be if it were not for them.....probably out looking for them. 

My husband sings......have I told you that? His whole family sings....WELL.  Something I can't add to, but I have been convinced to do so on VERY special occasions. Thankfully there are more of them than me so they can drown me out!

But back to why I am telling you this.....Brian stepped out of his comfort zone last Father's Day (2011) and sang a special song at church.  "I Wanna Be Just Like You"  by Phillips, Craig and Dean

He climbs in my lap for a goodnight hug
He calls me Dad and I call him Bub
With his faded old pillow and a bear named Pooh
He snuggles up close and says, "I want to be like you"
I tuck him in bed and I kiss him goodnight
Trippin' over the toys as I turn out the light
And I whisper a prayer that someday he'll see
He's got a father in God 'cause he's seen Jesus in me

Lord, I want to be just like You
'Cause he wants to be just like me
I want to be a holy example
For his innocent eyes to see
Help me be a living Bible, Lord
That my little boy can read
I want to be just like You
'Cause he wants to be like me

Got to admit I've got so far to go
Make so many mistakes and I'm sure that You know
Sometimes it seems no matter how hard I try
With all the pressures in life I just can't get it all right
But I'm trying so hard to learn from the best
Being patient and kind, filled with Your tenderness
'Cause I know that he'll learn from the things that he sees
And the Jesus he finds will be the Jesus in me
Right now from where he stands I may seem mighty tall
But it's only 'cause I'm learning from the best Father of them all

 

Our children grow to be images of us.  As scary as that is, it's true.  If they see us dropping to our knees in difficult times, they will too.  If they see us wrapping our arms around a friend that is hurting, they will too.  If they see us dropping a plate of cookies off at the elderly neighbors house...they will too.  And on the flip side.....If they hear us belittling our neighbor, they will do the same.  If the words they speak make us cringe and we wonder where they heard them....look in a mirror. 

I am so happy that my son, has a daddy that treats his wife (me) with undying love.  He speaks to others with compassion and comfort.  He steps out of his comfort zone to speak what he believes. 

I am confident that Daylen is going to grow knowing what a good man is....for he has wonderful example of one. 

Sandy Toes and Sun Tanned Bodies

Well Friends...I promised I would report back with my verdict on what has better beaches.  And the results.........I Can't decide! Sorry!  Non-the-less, we had a wonderful vacation.  Warm sun, sandy toes, salt water kisses, tanned bodies, and wonderful wonderful wonderful food. 

We started our trip the night before our flight when we stayed with my AMAZING brother in law and sister in law (Brian's older brother).  We got to go to our nephews high school baseball game that just happened to be the sectional finals.  Sadly he has bone chips in his elbow so he was not able to play, but we still got to see him with his team.  And in all honesty if I told Brian to plan  a weeks vacation doing ANYTHING he wanted, it would be traveling from town to town watching nieces and nephews play sports.  And eating at Wendy's.  So this was a good start to his birthday trip. 

We awoke at 4:45 a.m. the next morning and got ready to take off to the airport.  We tip-toed around the house trying not to wake anyone that DIDN'T need to be up (since it was already summer break for the kids).  And we did a pretty good job until Brian opened the front door to take luggage out to the Jeep.  And forgetting that they had just installed a home security system.  So, the whole house was soon awake from the ear piercing screech, phone ringing and feet pounding around trying to turn it off.  I prayed this wasn't a sign to how the trip was going to be.

After all the excitement, we loaded up and we were off.  We got  checked in and through security with no problem and found our gate with no bumps.  We grabbed a airport breakfast and waited for our turn to take off......I am going to pause her and fill you in on a little known fact about me.  I LOVE vacations, but HATE pre-flight.  NOT flying, but before.  "Are we at  the right gate? Are our seats together?  Do we have all our paper-work? Is Daylen going to get sick?  Will I hear our flight being announced?  Will we make our connecting flight?  Will they mis-place our reservations?  Did I make the correct hotel reservations? ETC..." 

But once we got in the air I was a little calmer and ready for a nap.  Dayeln was excited to see the world below slowly disappear.  It wasn't until the last fifteen minutes he started freaking out, maybe the ear pressure, maybe it was from waking up for the little cat nap and not realizing where he was, maybe it was his tummy... we are not too sure, but we were all ready to land.  Brian and I looked at each other and we each knew that we too were not LOVING this flight.  Our tummys were not liking us very much.  Thankfully we had a good 2 hours to recoup before our next flight.  Within 15 minutes of being on the ground Daylen and Brian were looking for lunch and were normal....me on the other hand....NOT SO MUCH!!!  They grabbed onion rings and pizza slices....I grabbed a VERY dry granola bar and bottle of water. 

I am happy to say that our next flight went smoother and we got to Nassau not as green.

Since The Bahamas is NOT America and they drive on the left side (and renting a car is almost triple the amount we would pay state side) we decided we would take advantage of their public transportation. As our bus driver drove us to our resort he joked about local custom and the reminded us of differences between The States and The Bahamas.  But I will admit I didn't pay much attention as I gazed out onto their BEAUTIFUL CLEAR ocean and WHITE sand beaches.  15 minutes later we pulled up to our resort (Sheraton Nassau Beach Resort) and were thrilled with the beauty.  If you are looking for a low key, friendly, comfortable, clean, family friendly resort....this is the place.

Our next days were filled with sight seeing, sand castle building, swimming pools, and connecting with friends......This is where I tell you about one of the highlights of the trip.  Brian's college roommate/ fellow basketball player and another college friend are originally from Nassau.  After college they returned and now have families of their own.  So, after some phone tag we were able to finally meet up.  It was such a joy for me to see Brian's excitement as he connected with these two guys after 15 years.  We visited in the hotel lobby for a little bit, but then I took Daylen back to the room for bed and let the guys visit.  When Brian returned at 2 a.m. (four hours after meeting) I knew he had a good time. 

If you are still reading and I have not bored you out of your mind yet....I would like to tell you about another resort (just in case you are planning a trip and are curious)

Chevvy (one of Brian's friends) and his two boys (12 and 7) showed us around the island one day.  And one of the things we did was visit "Atlantis".  If you have looked at visiting Nassau you have heard of this place.  It is a MASSIVE resort.  The entire island is this resort (Paradise Island).  You could go here for a week and NEVER have to leave the resort.  Multiple hotels all styles and prices.  Any type of food you could imagine.  Stores grocery, high end clothing, low end clothing, jewelry, cigars, trinkets, toys, shoes...etc..., AND plenty plenty plenty to do, casino, pool, swim with sting rays, swim with dolphins, snorkel, aquatic museum, water slides, WATER SLIDES...the list goes on.  We were there for a little over 2 hours and we walked the entire island...so it's not huge.  This also means that it is packed in there.  If you like to go on vacation and have everything at your finger tips and like to be around lots and lots of people...this place is for you.  Or if you are taking kids Jr. high -High School....this also the place for you.  If you are going to learn the culture and rather have a "relaxing" time....this is NOT for you.  ALSO....if you like beaches over pools...this might not be the best.  There is a beach, but it is filled with water activities jet skis, para-sailing, skiing...etc...  This is, for sure, a pool resort. 

All in All....we had an amazing vacation.  We enjoyed our time as a family, and with our new friends.  The Bahamas will be seeing us again.......Hopefully sooner than later! ;) 

 

"The Shape of Us"

You're no longer alone.

We've found a space to name our own.

There aint no need to fret or fuss.

We've got all the strength we need in the shape of us.

And I know you've had it tough.

Your road's been bumpy and rough.

But say goodbye to a world that you once knew.

I have every faith in me and you.

Hold my hand.

Hold my heart.

Let go your fears.

Darling I will always be here.

I never felt quite so at home.

Your sweet caress is the best I've known.

Now that I've proved to you that I'm worthy of your trust.

Let us build a world in the shape of us.

Darling I will always be here.

"The Shape of Us" by Ian Britt.

 

 

I heard this song while watching TV and really liked the sound...so in true "Mandy Form" I grabbed my ipod and downloaded it.  It wasn't until the next day when I REALLY heard it.  It has now become our family theme song. 

  

Isn't it the way it is suppose to be....."We have all the strength we need....in the shape of us". 

A little story of me and Brian.  Brian is six years older than I am, we knew of each other long before we spoke.  We grew up in the same town, graduated from the same high school, and even went to the same college two hours away.  He was the baseball coach at the college when I was a Freshman and Sophomore.  That is when I fell in love.  I LOVE baseball (something passed down to me from my maternal-grandfather) so I would drag my roommates to the games.  And watching him in his uniform, coaching...I would jokingly tell my friends, "I am going to marry him".  They would roll their eyes, and we would go about our day.......seven years later, I did marry him. YIPPEEEE!!!

When you find your mate...it feels like home.  We could be thousands of miles away, but if I am with Brian, I am HOME.  I could be lost in a crowd and have no idea where I am, but as soon as my eyes lock with his, I am HOME. 

And when you are HOME with someone, you soon form a new shape.  It is no longer two separate forms that move.  It is ONE shape.  And that shape that is formed is as unique as a finger print.

 And now, we add a new little form into our shape...again...it changes shapes and adapts, but it doesn't pull apart.  And no one can take the place of any part of that shape. 

"We've got all the strength we need in the shape of us."

Vacation

My favorite, favorite, favorite vacation spot is Maui, Hawaii.  If I was given a two weeks, endless amounts of money and anywhere I wanted to go...it would be Maui.  Last year, in the midst of a hectic day, I text a girl-friend and asked her how much a trip to Hawaii would have to be for her to say,  "lets go".  We had a good laugh over it and passed by.  That night I told Brian about the "joke" and to my complete SHOCK, he seriously shot out an amount.  I looked up from my dinner plate and clarified, "So...you are saying, if I find a package for $ you would be ok with me going?"

"Yea....but the next time we go to a tropical spot it has to be Bahamas".........(I am going to pause here and tell you this.  For his HS. Senior Year trip, Brian's class took a cruise and spent a day in Freeport, Bahamas.  Later in college, his roommate was from Nassau, Bahamas.  And ever since our honeymoon on Maui, he had kidded me about the Bahamas being prettier)..........

So, need-less-to-say, I went to Maui with my friend, and almost the second I got home, I started researching The Bahamas.  My plan was to surprise Brian for his 40th birthday.....but.....considering we both needed to update our passports, and we both needed to be there to get Daylen's passport...things just were easier if I told him. 

I tell you all that to tell you this....I am beyond excited to go on this vacation with my two guys.  It's not that we have not gone on vacation together...we go every year....but I think it's a combination of things.  Daylen is so excited to ride in an "airpane" and "swim with the dophins" he asks almost every day if we are going yet.  AND seeing Brian getting excited about going is VERY exciting for me. 

A little back ground on Brian.  He is a very laid-back, kind, selfless, patient, man.  He NEVER asks for things for himself, so seeing him getting excited about something planned for HIM, makes this WAY fun. 

As Moms, we spend so much time making sure our children are having fun, healthy, fed, happy, etc.  We don't "forget" our husbands, but we don't pay as much attention to them.  Let's take some time and do something ONLY for our husbands.  Maybe a trip, maybe their favorite dinner, watch one of their "too stupid it's funny" movies.

Just because they don't "demand" our attention as our children do, doesn't mean they don't need it.

So....I will report back and let you know if Maui or Nassau, Bahamas has better beaches!   Stay tuned.

It has been a "touchy" few weeks.  It all started back in October when I went to my "yearly Dr. apt."  I had been complaining about severe pain during my time of the month.  So, the typical thing happens and you listen to all the "maybes" and "could bes" and take one step at a time. 

On a hunch, my Dr. ordered an ultra sound.  That was way more "involved" than I had anticipated, but if this would answer questions, I guess I do it.

A few days later I played phone tag with the nurse.  And it wasn't till much later while on my way to watch my niece when I finally made contact.  (Note to self: NEVER call for test results while driving)  The nurse proceeded to inform me that there was a large mass in my uterus.  And that it was unlikely but there was a small chance of cancer.  They had ordered for a CT scan and wanted me to report that afternoon for more blood tests.  I hung up the phone with a huge question mark hanging over my head!  Cancer?!?!? 

I drove home later that day with my rear view mirror pointing at Daylen.  I am not ashamed to admit that I cried.....HARD and had a very long conversation with God.  My one prayer....., "Dear Lord Don't take me from them! (Daylen and Brian) Dear Lord Don't take me from them!  Dear Lord Don't take me from them!  Over and over. 

Later that night, after Daylen was asleep and the house was tucked away for the night, I laid my head on Brian's chest and cried again.  He said nothing....just held me, and that was all I wanted.  Questions filled my head, IF it is cancer, how far along, can it be treated, what will it mean for Daylen, what will it mean for Brian, do we go for second opinion, do we go for third opinion, will I be able to be a wife and a mother...somewhere in the mix of questions I fell asleep. 

I reported to the CT scan the next week,  with about as much concern and even more questions.  And the worse thing I can say about that scan was that I had to drink this amazingly horrible liquid. 

It wasn't until the next week when I finally got those results.....a tumor.  A very large tumor that made it's home so close to my left ovary it has attached itself to it.  So, this meant surgery.  It had to be removed if it was or if it was NOT cancer. 

This brought about a whole other range of worries.  Pain, will I wake up after, will I wake up during, (let me pause here and remind you that I am an avid Grey's Anatomy watcher....not a good combo) I replayed episodes in my mind of everything that went wrong...even the WAY crazy ones when the gun man broke into the hospital to seak revenge on the Dr. that he believed killed his wife. 

Before long it was Nov. 15 and it was the day of surgery.  And by the Grace of God, I went into that hospital with great Peace in my heart.  When the surgical nurse came to get me I was pleasantly surprised that I recognized her face.  She was a member at the YMCA while I worked there and we passed pleasantries daily.  The next nurse...the same. The next nurse....a friend of a friend.  My worries and fears fell further away. 

I was awaken two hours later by gentle touches and soft words of a nurse.  And the first thing that was spoken to me was, "The tumor was NOT cancer." 

Once I was awake enough to understand, and when Brian was once again by my side, I was told that I had an ovarian tumor that was the size of a football.....A FOOTBALL!   I was seriously hoping that it was going to count for about 50 pounds of my body weight...but I have yet to find that out!

Today as I sit on the couch and allow my four inch incision to heal I smile at the worries that I allowed to cloud my mind, I praise God for guiding the Dr.'s hands and his thoughts to schedule that initial ultra sound, I laugh at the comfort of familiar faces of nurses, and the answer to prayer, "God dont' take me from them!"  

I abobt it, Momma

My all time favorite store is Hobby Lobby.  I could, and have, spent hours just walking around that place.  So, now it has become one of Daylen's most comfortable stores....meaning....he knows what I expect of him when we walk into the building.  And he is very obedient.  He knows not to touch, to stay close to me, to ask before he looks at something, when Mom says "STOP" he freezes, and if he is REALLY REALLY good, he might get to pick a toy out of the $1 bin. 

The last time we were there he did exactly what was asked of him.  So, like promised, he got to pick a toy out.  Today's choice was a chunky, little, red and blue dump truck.  He held it close to his chest as I paid for our purchases and we walked out to the car. 

I strapped him into his seat and began emptying the cart when I heard him whimpering softly.  After I got everything tucked away, I opened his door to check what the issue was. 

I quickly noticed that he was playing with his dump truck.  I asked him what was wrong.  With his eyes squinted and the corners of his mouth forced downward he said, "bump tuck sad."

"Why is the dump truck sad"

"Hims house." As his chubby little finger pointed to the Hobby Lobby building.

"Does the dump truck miss his house?"

"Ye'th"

"Do we need to take the dump truck back to his house?"

A couple seconds of silence

"No Momma, I Yuv him, I abobpt him" As he pulls the little truck into his chest and hugs it to himself.

"Oh, You will adopt him and take care of him?" Said through choked back tears and cracking voice.

"Ye-th" with a wide bright smile.

I climbed into my seat and pulled out the box of Kleenex's from the glove compartment.  So, much joy was busting within me at that moment!  For three years we have told him, he is loved, we adopted him because we loved him, we loved him from the match call, we love him, he is adopted and he is loved, he is loved, he is loved, he is loved...And at that very moment by him saying, "I Yuv him, I abobpt him"  he told me that it is all sinking in. ................even if it is through a $1 bump tuck!

Not from my body, but from my heart

My favorite night for TV watching is Thursday night.  Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice to be specific. 

So, last night after day was in bed I turned on the DVR and watched them both.  If you watch them you will know that on Grey's, there is a serious adoption story going along and it about tore my heart out watching it.  If you don't watch it....two of the doctors that are married are in the process of adopting a little girl and are at risk of loosing her.  Watching them go through that fear of loosing her hit really close to home!.....But I don't want to talk about that today, I want to talk about what happened on Private Practice. 

There was a young woman that wanted to have a baby but she was born without a uterus.  So, she was going to get a transplant one from her Grandmother. (I know a little ridiculous, but keep with me).  As one of the doctors was consulting with her and asking her what her reason was for wanting to go through this process. The young woman dwelled on the fact that she wanted a baby of her own.  "MY OWN"  This is what I want to focus on.

Maybe it is because I am at a very different place, or maybe I just wasn't born with that desire, but I NEVER once looked at Daylen and didn't/don't think he's not MY OWN.  From the moment we got that phone call saying we were chosen by a birth mom, he was MINE/OURS.  I love him as much as I would love a child from my body.  Delivering a child didn't make me a Momma. The changing dirty diapers, 4 a.m. feedings, staying up all night praying a fever breaks, cleaning scrapes, kissing boo boos, hugs, kisses, loving.....These are the things that make me a Momma. 

Not to keep you "hanging", they did go through with the procedure, but it did not work.  She will not be able to carry a child.  When the doctor (the very handsome Benjamin Brat) was explaining what happened to her, he told her, that if her mother was standing there with her, she would have said, that it wasn't the delivering of her that made her a mother. 

Sadly, I think we all have seen or even know women and men that have delivered a child and they don't make very good parents.  I may have not delivered my son, but I am a VERY good Momma to him (if I do say so myself). 

I have been asked if I regret not having a child of MY OWN.  My reply is always the same, "I do have a child of my own.  He's standing right over there.  And if you ask him who is Momma is, he will point to me!"

" I Love You the Most"

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One of my favorite parts of the day is Day's bed time. Not because I like to have "alone" time or because I want to get something done....it's because of the routine. It's the time when I can turn off all the surroundings, all the distractions, all the noise, and just talk to Daylen. We started playing a game a few months back where I would say, "I love this...." and say something that was in the room. Daylen caught on and he started blurting out things, so it became, "I love this......LIGHT." We do a few rounds, but I would always end with saying....."I love YOU the MOST." A couple weeks ago, we headed up stairs and started the bedtime routine, I sat down next to the bed helped Day with his prayers, and started the "I Love this...." After a brief pause Daylen looked direct into my eyes and said, "You the Most". I had to work pretty hard to blink back the tears. I couldn't help but pick him up out of bed and squeeze him. After a few moments of extra hug and kiss time I put him back in bed and he blurted out.....TURTLE. So, it was my que that "mushee" time was over. "I love the......BLANKIE"...I love the........BOOK"........"I love the.......TRASH CAN"......"I love YOU the MOST"...."Love Momma Most" I honestly do love him the absolute most! I don't know where I would be without my two guys. I feel so loved every day. I am blessed to have a husband that doesn't get embarassed to say "I love You" infront of his friends, or doesn't care if he just said it ten minutes ago....he makes sure I hear those words multiple times a day. And my favorite part is that he is teaching his son that exact thing. "I love them the MOST"

Placing....Not Giving Up

Brian and I were flipping through channels the other day when a movie caught his attention. It was one of those "dumb funny" ones. The kind that you roll your eyes at most of the time, but find yourself laughing at the most ridiculous things. The back story was about this guy that was adopted and he was out searching for his biological parents. The phrase that kept being tossed around was, "They gave you up for adoption." This sparked a conversation between Brian and I. When I hear "give up" I think that they literally gave up on the child.

I understand, in some cases, this is true. Some birth-moms leave their child on a doorstep, or in the hospital, or they just don't take care of them so the child is taken from them. So, I guess this phrase would be more appropriate. But in our case.....this is NOT true. I prefer to say that Daylen was placed for adoption. He was literally placed in my arms by his birth-mom. She cried as she said good-bye. She searched for a family that would love and care for him. So, NO she didn't GIVE HIM UP.....She loving PLACED him.

Yes it is a small phrase and one that is overlooked most of the time. But it is a phrase I will NEVER use around my son! I will always explain to him that his birth-mom carried him for 9 months, delivered him and then placed him in my arms in adoption. I do not want him to ever have the feeling of being abandoned or left or gave up on. I want him to KNOW that he us PLACED LOVINGLY!

Sweet Sounds

Some may not admit it, but I honestly believe that the scariest part of being an adoptive parent (other than the birth-parents reconsidering, during the waiting period) is the possibility of not making a bond with your child. I blame the Lifetime Movie Network, Dr. Phil and Opera for this scare. They rarely make movies of adoptive families that are perfectly happy, or they next to never have guests that were adopted and have gone on to become a successful member of society. Why? They exist! Hundreds of us are Adoption Success Stories!

But before I knew we were going to be a "success Story" I was worried about the same exact things! (Again because I was watching A LOT of Daytime T.V.) I read the books, I asked opinions, I slept with blankets that we would put in the crib, I wrote in journals, I lived on "Google" seeing what others said, I prayed, and prayed, and prayed!

Then I walked into the hospital room and held MY son. The bond was instant. He laid his head on my chest and closed his eyes. Not one cry, not one stiffening, not one concern. His little hand reached up and took hold of my necklace and still to this day when he is sleepy and we are cuddling he grabs onto that necklace. It was obvious that we were bonded.

As he got a little older, little things reconfirmed that fact for me. And most of them were very small. Like when he was learning to walk and his little hands were holing onto my finger. Or when he was learning to run and fell and he reached out to me for comfort and laid his head on my shoulder. The time he was shooting hoops at the "Big Hoop" and made it,then scanned the room to find me to make sure I was watching him and waited for me to clap and say Good Job until he would try again (even though there were at least twenty other people cheering him on). And even the first couple of moments after getting up from a nap and he just wants to sit on my lap and cuddle. One of my favorites happened right after this picture was taken. When Day crawled over to Brian and planted a kiss on his cheek and wrapped his tiny arms around his neck.

So, Yes I would say that those movies and all those talk shows are only showing a very small percentage of the adoption world. All that is needed for that bond to take place is unconditional love!

Dandelion Dust

Against my better judgement I downloaded the book, "Like Dandelion Dust" by Karen Kingsbury. It's a Christian Fiction book about an adoptive family who are suddenly faced with a fraud adoption and the risk of loosing their son. It was a book I had on my wish list for a while but was to fearful to read it. It seamed it would hit a little too close to home.....but curiosity got the best of me and the next thing I knew it's 2:00 a.m. and I am crying my eyes out reading this story. The title "Like Dandelion Dust" holds a lot of different meanings through out the story, but it made me realize......EVERYTHING we have is like dandelion dust! No matter how tight we hold onto it.....it could blow away with no chance of ever catching it.

I, of course, found myself in the story. And the similarities were frightful. The boy was born in September, he had a stuffed monkey he liked to sleep with, every morning he climbed into his mom and dad's bed before he started his day, he loved playing basketball and his favorite breakfast was french toast. The exact same as my own son. About half way through I felt a knot in my stomach. I KNEW this was just a story, a fiction story but what if...what if we were faced with the same logistic that was described on these pages? Everything we had, Everything we knew could be gone....just like that....like dandelion dust.

I laid there with my eyes closed, but not sleeping for about thirty minutes. I flashed through all the little moments I had through the day. Making breakfast, drying tears, watching the same cartoon ALL day, playing with cars, shooting hoops, cuddeling...cuddeling...cuddeling. I would for sure miss cuddling the most. I slipped out of bed and tip-toed into Daylen's room and sat down next to his bed. I watched as he slept in the only home he had ever known....he would EVER know.

I rememberd back to when we first brought Daylen home. We had to go through many days of waiting for the lawyers and social workers to finalize paper work, for birth parents to sign releases, for judges to review and confirm, for prayers to be answered, for God's Will to be revealed. I remembered thinking that the day we could officially say he was "OUR SON" would never come. It seemed, in those days, that he would be gone.....Like Dandelion Dust.

But here I sit, two years later, watching MY son sleep, in a room that will forever be his, in a home that will always be his, next to a Mommy that will always be known as his.

Look around you, if everything you had vanished like Dandelion Dust, what would you miss the most?

I am reminded

Like a billion other people, I am on Facebook. It has proven to be more joy than I thought it would be. I have been able to reconnect with old friends. And more importantly rejoice and morn with them. Just in the past couple of weeks I have learned about a college friend's young daughter that was diagnosed with kidney cancer. Though I have not spoke or seen this friend in years, I still ached for him and his family. I won't keep you on the limb....she did have her kidney removed and is healing wonderfully. Our Lord has delivered her from death! I have been in little contact with him since I learned of the news, but I assured him that they were in our prayers and thoughts. I have found myself getting on fb every morning just to check on her progress and thankfully, every day brings better and better news.

As I sit and "check" on her I am reminded what a blessing we have been given with a healthy child. I am not "guarded" enough to think we are exempt from illness, but up to this point we have had a healthy child. My nieces and nephews have been spared from grave illness. As I look at my extended family I realize that my cousins and their children have been protected. I don't say this as a "bragging session" only for the amazing-ness!

If you have scoalded your child for a messy bedroom, or told them to stop running in the house, or had to clean up a milk spill....count your blessings!! Your child is home with you and not in a hospital bed. They have healthy strong legs and an appetite. Be reminded that we are blessed!!!

Please lift up our little friend! I am not posting her name due to "protection" but God will know who you are talking about!! :)

Do I look Real?

Something a non-adoptive birth parent probably never thinks about is the word "REAL". But this is a word that has become one that has brought about a great deal of emotion for Brian and I.

When we first got Daylen and introduced him to all of our friends and family, one question that was often asked was, "Did you get to meet his real mom?" It always would bring a tug to our hearts and a tiny lump to our throats, but not wanting to hurt feelings we would just answer, "Yes, we were able to talk with her for the few days we were in the hospital."

We would often discuss these moments and question our reaction. What I really wanted to say is, "Are my breaths real? Is my skin real? Is my love for this perfect child real? Is the worry of him being taken away from us at any given moment real? Is waking up in the middle of the night just to see if he's breathing real? Are the tears of complete delight real? And are the tears of complete fear real?" But of course this was not a response I would want to give. So we decided on a reaction that would be more appropriate. "Yes we were able to visit with his BIRTH MOM when we were there."

It didn't take long for people to catch on to what we were saying. So, for you adoptive parents out there.....NEVER feel as if you are not REAL! You are more than real to your child. Your hugs and kisses are real. Your smiles and cheers are real. Your complete Joy is real!!! And for you non-adoptive parents...unless you are talking to a cardboard cut out, please don't assume they are not real. Their feelings are very real and the love they have for that child they are holding is more real than one could ever imagine.

Traditions

It's Christmas time!! My favorite time of year! I LOVE the lights, songs, cookies, movies...all of it. And I have a few traditions I like to practice. I like cutting down a fresh tree, and going home to decorate it while watching a Christmas movie. And when it's decorated we turn all the lights in the house off and turn on the tree lights. Then we wrap up in blankets and go look at the house from outside. Crazy? Maybe! But it's what we do.

This year was the first year that Daylen really got into the whole decorating thing. He loves the lights and was a amazed that we had a tree in the house. He walks around the house gently touching the decorations and turning on all the singing stuffed animals. It is such a joy having a child in the house at Christmas time. The magic comes back.

As I was watching him watch "Rudolph" I felt a tug at my heart. For every Christmas tradition I share with him, is one that his birth mom doesn't get. I am the one that gets to see his face on Christmas morning. I am the one that lets him eat Christmas cookies for breakfast. I am the one that shops for the perfect toy and wraps it up and nervously waits to see if he likes it. I guess I felt a little guilty.

So this year....a new tradition. Since we are blessed with an open adoption, we have the opportunity to share pictures and letters. We are picking a few extra pictures this year and making a "Year Journal" for Ashley (our birth mom). We chose pictures of our year and I downloaded them to a little scarp book (Shutterfly, Walgreens, Snapfish, etc. They all have them) with the story of what we were doing.
We send pictures through the year, but most of them are of Daylen. These are of all of us "living our traditions". I figure as Day gets older he will be able to help us pick out pictures and tell us what he wants to say about them.

I am not trying to fill a void. I am only trying to build a bridge that joins us together a little easier. So she can see what his life is and I pray she sees it as what she wanted for him.

I'm trying to make you proud

Our son has beautiful big brown eyes. The kind of eyes that can look right through you. We call them his "Hershey Kiss" eyes. I literally pray for strength to stand up to those eyes.

Yesterday, we were having a serious study on the book, "I Love You Through and Through" when Daylen looked at me and was desperately trying to explain something to me. Like every mommy I acted as if I understood. While he was going through his report of the book I was looking into those brown eyes of his. I saw myself. I'm not just talking about my reflection, I am talking about MYSELF!

Shortly after the book report I laid him down for his nap and I went to my room and knelt down. This is what I prayed:

"Heavenly Father, You know that we are beyond grateful for the blessing you gave us when you gave us Daylen. And You know I come to You often with prayers of Thanksgiving for him. Today, Lord, I come to You for guidance. I saw myself in his eyes today. And Lord it made me realize those perfect brown eyes are absorbing my EVERY move. Help me be the Mommy that those eyes see walking in YOUR path. Make me the Mommy that never brings unnecessary tears. Give me the knowledge to know when those eyes are saying words that are unspoken. Lord...more than anything....Make me the mommy that those eyes will look at with pride!"

Later that day I was doing some laundry when I came to the conclusion that I really don't care what the world thinks of me. As long as I am making my son proud....that is all I ask! And I know that if I am doing things that make him proud I am on the right path to making HIM proud too!

3:00 a.m.

Daylen has always been a GREAT sleeper. Ever since he was born, he would sleep all night. In fact, his first few weeks, we would have to wake him up to eat. Even now, it takes a lot for him to wake up in the middle of the night. So, since I know he won't wake up, I will pick him up after he has gone to sleep to kiss and love on him.

Last night was no different. I woke up around 3:00 a.m. to use the restroom, and on my way back to bed I took a little "pit-stop" in Day's room. He was sleeping so soundly and peacefully. But of course I couldn't resist. I picked him up and kissed his little head. I ran my fingers through the tiny curls in the top of his head and wondered if his birth father ever wondered about his hair color. I ran my finger down his button nose and wondered if his birth father ever smelled baking cookies and thinks of this tiny boy. I kissed Daylen on his tiny lips and wondered if his birth father ever spoke the words, "I love you son." I felt his beautiful heart beat and wondered if his birth father's heart ever aches with the emptiness of not knowing this child. I held his tiny hand in mine and wondered if one day when he is older, will he look at those same hands and ask if his birth father has hands like his. I cradled his fat little foot in my hand and wondered if one day he would walk up to his birth father and say, "Thank you for giving me the best life I could have."

I often wonder if I will ever meet this man. Only the Lord knows if this day is written. Yet, I know what I would say......"Thank You for giving me the best life i could have!"

A complete Outrage

Hi Friends! It has been too long since I have last been in here. Between Daylen, Brian's sports, church events, and my new hobby....crocheting, I have been away. But I came across a story today that made me take time out! I am outraged about it.

I'm sure most of you have heard about the Adoptive Mother in Tennessee that adopted a 7 year old boy from Moscow. For those of you who have not, the rest of the story goes like this....

After only a few months, she felt as if the boy had mental issues, so she bought a one way plane ticket wrote a note and put her 7 YEAR OLD SON on a plane and back to Moscow. The note saying that the orphanage lied to her about the boys mental health and they she did not want him.

I am completely astonished at this on soooo many levels. As an adoptive mom I know the heart ache of wanting a child and not being able to biologically have one. I know the thrill of getting matched. I am assuming she had some warmth in her heart to feel some of these emotions. So, how could she go through these emotions and then just decide to "return" him like a shirt that doesn't fit. This poor child!

So, let's look at her point of view. She gets the boy home. She then discovers that he is a abusive and feels as if he is mental unstable. Instead of getting this child help, she decides to send him back. I am not certain on the time frame. I have tried to see how long she actually had him, but I cannot determine that. I am assuming that is within a six month frame. This child has just spent 7 years in an orphanage, fighting to be heard. She thinks that he is just going to snap into American life?

I do not know the Tennessee laws, but in Illinois we had to have post-placement visits after we got Daylen. This is when a social worker meets with the parents and the child to see if everyone is doing o.k. Did she not have to do these? Did she NOT have a support team, to help her through this? Did the agency encourage this? I cannot believe anyone would tell her, "Send him back. He is a bad egg."

What in her heart told her this was a good idea? Yes, there are days when Daylen has torn the house apart, and he is screaming from the top of his lungs, and he won't listen to me, but NEVER NEVER NEVER do I think, "send him back!" NEVER!!!!!!

I do like to give people the benefit of the doubt, so let me try........Maybe he was a handful and she realized that she could not handle him on her own. (She was a single woman, not married or with a partner) Maybe she lied awake at night praying over this decision. Maybe she tried to get him help, and it just wouldn't help. All of this said, still brings me back to the answer, I cannot imagine ANY adoptive mother putting a 7 year old on a plane alone with a note. She says this child had mental issues.......I am thinking this is the pot calling the kettle black.

To increase my outrage....Moscow has now decided to stop all U.S. adoptions. Meaning, that any U.S. family that had their paper work in and waiting for a match will not be getting a child. This lady's one act of carelessness has deleted thousands of hopes for over a thousand families.

My prayers are with that child. He felt the hope of a family, and it was taken away. Then again.....if this was going to be his mother.........I don't know if it would have been any better.

Hold you children close. Kiss them, even when they are screaming, laugh when they won't listen and remember the ache you felt before you had them.

I won't feel guilty

I am blessed by being a stay at home mommy. This is what I have always wanted to be. When I was a child and someone would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, the answer was always, "A Mommy." I suppose this stemmed from my own mom being a stay at home mom. I never remember a time when she wasn't there. Even in High School I knew if I called home at noon, my mom would answer the phone and be ready to jump to whatever I needed. I loved that. That is what I wanted for my child.

So when the day came when Brian and I decided that we could "make it" for me to be a stay at home mom, I was thrilled. I imagined those days when my child would call me from school and I would hop in the car with the forgotten homework and take off to save the day!

I love it! I love every minute of being the one that gets Daylen out of bed, to feed him breakfast, to be the one he runs to when he falls down, mostly I love being the one that gets to watch him become his own little person. But there are days when I look around the house and I realize that I had done nothing but play with Daylen. I didn't do ONE load of laundry, the dishes are stacked beside the sink, toys are tossed in every direction, and cookie crumbs are sprinkled all over the floor like confetti.

I barely get dinner started before Brian gets home from work on days like these. But I do manage. It never fails that while at dinner Brian will ask, "What did you do today?" It took me a while to realize that he wasn't asking to see what I got done, but to see what we did. Yes there is a difference.

I use to cringe when this question was asked. I hated hearing myself say, "Nothing".

A few months went by until I realized I got more done then I thought. Just because I couldn't see what was accomplished didn't mean it wasn't complete. I showed my son love, I gave thousands of kisses, I did hundreds of hugs, I encouraged imagination, I expressed that my son came before a clean house. So, no I won't feel guilty that I did nothing today, because I know that I got a lot accomplished

The Hardest Good-bye in History

After 23 hours in a car, two and a half days as hospital visitors, four meals in the hospital cafeteria, a VERY emotional phone call with our lawyer, and many heart to heart conversations with Ashley. It was finally time to take our son and go to our hotel and start our new life.

The day started normally. We got to our room, visited with Ashley, adored Daylen, visited with nurses and social workers,and played some cards. Our routine while we had been there. We were told that we would be able to released as soon as the Dr. checked them, so we watched the clock and tapped our toe until she finally came in. When she gave us the o.k. we could hardly contain ourselves. We were so anxious. One of the nurses, Melissa, (our favorite) came in and was going through some discharge information with us. Somewhere in the excitement I missed my phone ringing. I finally realized the missed call and message. The case worker had called to inform me that there was an issue with the Birth Certificate. It seemed as if the birth father's name was on it. By hospital policy, if the father's name is listed then he has to be at the hospital for discharge. Now in a traditional setting this wouldn't appear to be a big deal, but in our setting.....it was a HUGE DEAL! We, nor Ashley had, had ANY contact with him. We didn't even know where to find him, let alone get him to come to the hospital.

With the quick work of the our favorite nurse, our favorite hospital case worker and a really great social worker the issue was resolved in three and a half short hours! (gulp) As I sat in the room adoring my son I realized that in three more hours I would walk out of that room with my new family, but Ashley would be left in that room with no one. Watching her personality through the morning I knew she was thinking the same thing. I suggested to Brian that he and I walk down to the cafeteria and get some lunch. What I was REALLY suggesting was that we left the room for some time to allow Ashley to have those last few hours with Daylen. Maybe she wanted to say something to him, maybe she just wanted to hold him, maybe she wanted to do nothing but stare at him. Whatever it may be, I wanted to allow her the space to do that.

We stayed out of the room for a good three hours. I don't know what was said or done in those hours, and I don't want to know. That is theirs.

When we figured it was about time for all the appropriate people to be around we returned to the room. Ashley and Daylen were both napping. She in her bed and Daylen in his "crib" both facing each other. Brian and I softly walked in and watched T.V. About ten minutes later the room was full....two hospital case workers, one social worker, and a Notary Public came in with looks of delight/sadness. My stomach sank, it was time. How could my heart be half full of joy and half full of sadness. These two emotions were literally fighting each other within me. As hard as I tried, I couldn't look at Ashley. I focused on the bundle she was holding.

One of the social workers read some words to Ashley, Ashley signed some paper, we signed some papers, the Notary signed and it was done. The case worker looked at me smiled and said, "O.K. You can go.".....It sounded simple, yet my body was froze. Something I longed for was finally here, and I ached to do it. I felt myself walk to the side of Ashley's bed. She was curled over our son sobbing. I heard her softly whisper, "It's good, I will be O.K." I bent over and she placed this magical gift in my arms. Her tears of pain, and my tears of joy both fell on the little cheek that bonded us forever. I pressed my cheek to hers and whispered, "We will always love you."

Moments later Brian, myself, and OUR SON stood in the hallway in a tight, tearful embrace. The moment we had waited on had finally arrived. We were now a family of three. I never knew that becoming the family I longed for would require such a difficult good-bye.