I won't feel guilty

I am blessed by being a stay at home mommy. This is what I have always wanted to be. When I was a child and someone would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, the answer was always, "A Mommy." I suppose this stemmed from my own mom being a stay at home mom. I never remember a time when she wasn't there. Even in High School I knew if I called home at noon, my mom would answer the phone and be ready to jump to whatever I needed. I loved that. That is what I wanted for my child.

So when the day came when Brian and I decided that we could "make it" for me to be a stay at home mom, I was thrilled. I imagined those days when my child would call me from school and I would hop in the car with the forgotten homework and take off to save the day!

I love it! I love every minute of being the one that gets Daylen out of bed, to feed him breakfast, to be the one he runs to when he falls down, mostly I love being the one that gets to watch him become his own little person. But there are days when I look around the house and I realize that I had done nothing but play with Daylen. I didn't do ONE load of laundry, the dishes are stacked beside the sink, toys are tossed in every direction, and cookie crumbs are sprinkled all over the floor like confetti.

I barely get dinner started before Brian gets home from work on days like these. But I do manage. It never fails that while at dinner Brian will ask, "What did you do today?" It took me a while to realize that he wasn't asking to see what I got done, but to see what we did. Yes there is a difference.

I use to cringe when this question was asked. I hated hearing myself say, "Nothing".

A few months went by until I realized I got more done then I thought. Just because I couldn't see what was accomplished didn't mean it wasn't complete. I showed my son love, I gave thousands of kisses, I did hundreds of hugs, I encouraged imagination, I expressed that my son came before a clean house. So, no I won't feel guilty that I did nothing today, because I know that I got a lot accomplished

The Hardest Good-bye in History

After 23 hours in a car, two and a half days as hospital visitors, four meals in the hospital cafeteria, a VERY emotional phone call with our lawyer, and many heart to heart conversations with Ashley. It was finally time to take our son and go to our hotel and start our new life.

The day started normally. We got to our room, visited with Ashley, adored Daylen, visited with nurses and social workers,and played some cards. Our routine while we had been there. We were told that we would be able to released as soon as the Dr. checked them, so we watched the clock and tapped our toe until she finally came in. When she gave us the o.k. we could hardly contain ourselves. We were so anxious. One of the nurses, Melissa, (our favorite) came in and was going through some discharge information with us. Somewhere in the excitement I missed my phone ringing. I finally realized the missed call and message. The case worker had called to inform me that there was an issue with the Birth Certificate. It seemed as if the birth father's name was on it. By hospital policy, if the father's name is listed then he has to be at the hospital for discharge. Now in a traditional setting this wouldn't appear to be a big deal, but in our setting.....it was a HUGE DEAL! We, nor Ashley had, had ANY contact with him. We didn't even know where to find him, let alone get him to come to the hospital.

With the quick work of the our favorite nurse, our favorite hospital case worker and a really great social worker the issue was resolved in three and a half short hours! (gulp) As I sat in the room adoring my son I realized that in three more hours I would walk out of that room with my new family, but Ashley would be left in that room with no one. Watching her personality through the morning I knew she was thinking the same thing. I suggested to Brian that he and I walk down to the cafeteria and get some lunch. What I was REALLY suggesting was that we left the room for some time to allow Ashley to have those last few hours with Daylen. Maybe she wanted to say something to him, maybe she just wanted to hold him, maybe she wanted to do nothing but stare at him. Whatever it may be, I wanted to allow her the space to do that.

We stayed out of the room for a good three hours. I don't know what was said or done in those hours, and I don't want to know. That is theirs.

When we figured it was about time for all the appropriate people to be around we returned to the room. Ashley and Daylen were both napping. She in her bed and Daylen in his "crib" both facing each other. Brian and I softly walked in and watched T.V. About ten minutes later the room was full....two hospital case workers, one social worker, and a Notary Public came in with looks of delight/sadness. My stomach sank, it was time. How could my heart be half full of joy and half full of sadness. These two emotions were literally fighting each other within me. As hard as I tried, I couldn't look at Ashley. I focused on the bundle she was holding.

One of the social workers read some words to Ashley, Ashley signed some paper, we signed some papers, the Notary signed and it was done. The case worker looked at me smiled and said, "O.K. You can go.".....It sounded simple, yet my body was froze. Something I longed for was finally here, and I ached to do it. I felt myself walk to the side of Ashley's bed. She was curled over our son sobbing. I heard her softly whisper, "It's good, I will be O.K." I bent over and she placed this magical gift in my arms. Her tears of pain, and my tears of joy both fell on the little cheek that bonded us forever. I pressed my cheek to hers and whispered, "We will always love you."

Moments later Brian, myself, and OUR SON stood in the hallway in a tight, tearful embrace. The moment we had waited on had finally arrived. We were now a family of three. I never knew that becoming the family I longed for would require such a difficult good-bye.

He was meant to be with US

One of the blessings of open adoption, is that we get the tremendous experience to visit with the birth mom. We get to share our expectations, our fears, our stories. So, I was overjoyed to spend two full days with our birth mom, Ashley, in the hospital after she delivered Daylen. While we chatted she told us her end of the adoption story. We were amazed to see how God had directed her to us, just as much as He directed us to her.

When Ashley found out she was pregnant, she knew that she could not care for the child as she would like to. She started researching adoption. Along the way she was introduced to a lawyer who specialized in private adoptions, and with that she met a couple that had desired to adopt for five years. This couple had tried adopting internationally but had not yet been matched. They decided to move forward with adopting Ashley's child. While the months progressed communication between the couple and Ashley dwindled. In March of 2008 the acting lawyer contacted Ashley and informed her that that couple had been matched with a little girl from China. They chose to terminate the adoption with Ashley.

As one could imagine, Ashley was devastated. She told us that at that point she really wondered if God was telling her to keep this child. She didn't know what her next step was to be. In May she started researching more options of adoption. She found that she also expressed to us that there was a moment when she considered leaving the child as a born baby at the hospital. This means that the child would be taken from her immediately after delivery and placed in custody of the state. Most of these born babies get adopted, but in some cases these children grow up in foster care or in group homes. The thought of this was only a moment in passing for her. She realized that doing such a thing would not show this baby love, but instead show it abandonment.

At a last chance effort, she got on line and searched adoption agencies. The first one that came up was ANLC (Adoption Network Law Center) Feeling helpless and with no where else to turn to contacted them and began the process of placing her unborn child for adoption. What she didn't realize at that moment, was that WE had just turned in our application to adopt a child through this agency.

It wasn't long until our paths merged and it was evident that it was God's doing. I am thankful that Ashley chose to listen to God's direction as we did. I am thankful that God told her to go online one last time. I am thankful that God lead that first couple to their child in China. Daylen was meant to be OUR child, he was meant to be with US from the moment of conception. We all just had to listen to God's voice.

Thank You God for Unanswered Prayers

I was talking to a friend last night that has been trying to have a baby. They had told me that their prayer is to get pregnant by Christmas of 2010. I told them I remember having those type of conversations with God. But bottom line is God's Will is the only thing that matters. God knows our future and our heart, we just have to trust in Him. But as soon as I told them that I was reminded of my own prayers. I was curious of what they were exactly two years ago, so I dug out my journals from that time. I would like to share some with you.

Dear God, today is my 28th birthday and Brian said one of my gifts is that I can stop taking birth control. I am so excited. I have been waiting for him to come to this decision, I really tried not to push. He knows that this is a desire I have had for a REALLY long time, now it's his desire too! OFF TO BED (wink wink)

Dear God, I have gone to the pharmacy every month for five months to get an EPT. NOTHING.....no baby yet. I am really starting to get discouraged. Please God if something is wrong with my body make that known to me. Please Father...allow us to be parents!

Dear God, WHY? Everyone surrounding me is pregnant, or just had a baby. Why do you keep bringing these people into my life? I honestly don't think I can see another pregnant lady and not cry. Lord give me strength!

Dear God, If it is NOT your will that I become a mother take this desire from me.

Dear God, Next month will be one year since we have started trying to get pregnant. Why God? Are you trying to teach me something? Have I not been faithful to you? Is this NOT your will? Please God, take this pain from me! I am trying to depend on You God. I understand if this is NOT your will, Father. But please give me strength to endure it. Give Brian strength to deal with me, if this is not meant to be our future. Please God, hold me close!

Dear God, Well, the Dr. told me today that we had options....but Brian and I have decided that we WOULD NOT get medical assistance to become pregnant. We figured that we could spend a great deal of money at the doctor's or we could spend that money and adopt. God, I guess that our path to parent hood wasn't necessarily what we thought it was going to be.

It's amazing how God has EVERYTHING in control! He knew exactly who our child was going to be when got married. He shed light on the path we were meant to take. Day after day I praise God for Unanswered prayers.

Firsts

When you are a parent, "First" means something totally different to you. Every day there is a first, the first bottle, the first dirty diaper, the first bath. It then goes to the first tooth, first day of school, first dance, etc.

This picture is the FIRST time we laid eyes on our new baby boy! This vision is VERY blurry to me, considering I looked at him through extremely wet eyes. If I were to have following photos you would be able to see, the first time I held him, the first kiss I gave him, and most importantly the first time I told him, "I LOVE YOU". Though that wasn't the first time I had said it, I uttered those words multiple times a day since the moment of the match. Yet it was the FIRST time I was able to say it to his tiny face. It was at that moment when I REALIZED that I was going to be the one that witnessed every first this LITTLE MAN was going to experience. I could not have been more honored.

Even though Brian and I left Illinois seconds after we got the call that informed us that our birth mom had gone into labor, we still missed out on the FIRST 22 hours of Daylen's life. And with that we were unable to hear his first cry, to see his first bath, to be the first ones to touch him, to be the first ones to kiss his face, and the most painful, I was unable to be the first one to whisper in his little ear, "I love you." There was a time that I almost cried over these missed firsts, until I realized something VERY important. I will be the one to be next to him for a lifetime full of Firsts, this selfless woman should be the one that was able to have those very few moments of firsts. They are something that NO ONE will be able to take away from her. I pray that she forever cherishes those FIRSTS.

I may not have been the FIRST one to tell my son I love him, but I am VERY o.k. with that simple fact.

I was at a benefit at my parent's church not too long ago, when I overheard an older gentleman ask an expectant mother how she was feeling. It didn't take her long to dive into the ocean of complaints she had been perfecting for the last nine months.
I tried very hard not to listen, but it was difficult NOT to.....this is how it went. "Oh, I am so sick of being fat. My back aches all the time, I can't lay down for more than five minutes, but my feet hurt too bad to stand. I have heart burn so bad I can't stand to eat." And the cherry on top of this already melting sundae......"I am ready to have this stupid baby!"

STUPID BABY?!?!?!? Are you kidding me?!?!? How could she even say something so amazingly painful? I had to walk away before my mouth opened and my heart fell out. It took all I had to not walk over to her and tell her what I thought. What I wanted to tell her was, "I hope that baby stays in there forever! I hope that you are miserable for the rest of your life! I hope that when that baby IS born you STILL have heart burn and soar feet! But more than that I hope that WHEN this baby is born you are reminded every day of what you just said. I hope you are so much in love with this baby that you will FOREVER regret uttering those awful words!"

Later that night her voice was still playing in my head. My heart ached....but the more I thought about it I realized that it didn't ache for JUST the baby. I was sad for that woman. She had NO idea what a blessing she was given. As an adoptive mommy I never had the experience of feeling the baby kick inside, I never saw my belly expand due to the growing baby. I prayed for that lady that night. I prayed that she one day would look back on her pregnancy and say Thank You God for blessing me with the experience of feeling the growth of my child.

Now, allow me to be clear. I do NOT regret the lack of pregnancy. I only want to serve as a reminder to biological mother's. Count your blessings, be thankful that you get to experience all the feelings, good and bad, of pregnancy.....and for us adoptive mommy's....we have our own "pregnancy pains"....ours just happen on paper! :)

Have a Blessed Day!