It has been a "touchy" few weeks.  It all started back in October when I went to my "yearly Dr. apt."  I had been complaining about severe pain during my time of the month.  So, the typical thing happens and you listen to all the "maybes" and "could bes" and take one step at a time. 

On a hunch, my Dr. ordered an ultra sound.  That was way more "involved" than I had anticipated, but if this would answer questions, I guess I do it.

A few days later I played phone tag with the nurse.  And it wasn't till much later while on my way to watch my niece when I finally made contact.  (Note to self: NEVER call for test results while driving)  The nurse proceeded to inform me that there was a large mass in my uterus.  And that it was unlikely but there was a small chance of cancer.  They had ordered for a CT scan and wanted me to report that afternoon for more blood tests.  I hung up the phone with a huge question mark hanging over my head!  Cancer?!?!? 

I drove home later that day with my rear view mirror pointing at Daylen.  I am not ashamed to admit that I cried.....HARD and had a very long conversation with God.  My one prayer....., "Dear Lord Don't take me from them! (Daylen and Brian) Dear Lord Don't take me from them!  Dear Lord Don't take me from them!  Over and over. 

Later that night, after Daylen was asleep and the house was tucked away for the night, I laid my head on Brian's chest and cried again.  He said nothing....just held me, and that was all I wanted.  Questions filled my head, IF it is cancer, how far along, can it be treated, what will it mean for Daylen, what will it mean for Brian, do we go for second opinion, do we go for third opinion, will I be able to be a wife and a mother...somewhere in the mix of questions I fell asleep. 

I reported to the CT scan the next week,  with about as much concern and even more questions.  And the worse thing I can say about that scan was that I had to drink this amazingly horrible liquid. 

It wasn't until the next week when I finally got those results.....a tumor.  A very large tumor that made it's home so close to my left ovary it has attached itself to it.  So, this meant surgery.  It had to be removed if it was or if it was NOT cancer. 

This brought about a whole other range of worries.  Pain, will I wake up after, will I wake up during, (let me pause here and remind you that I am an avid Grey's Anatomy watcher....not a good combo) I replayed episodes in my mind of everything that went wrong...even the WAY crazy ones when the gun man broke into the hospital to seak revenge on the Dr. that he believed killed his wife. 

Before long it was Nov. 15 and it was the day of surgery.  And by the Grace of God, I went into that hospital with great Peace in my heart.  When the surgical nurse came to get me I was pleasantly surprised that I recognized her face.  She was a member at the YMCA while I worked there and we passed pleasantries daily.  The next nurse...the same. The next nurse....a friend of a friend.  My worries and fears fell further away. 

I was awaken two hours later by gentle touches and soft words of a nurse.  And the first thing that was spoken to me was, "The tumor was NOT cancer." 

Once I was awake enough to understand, and when Brian was once again by my side, I was told that I had an ovarian tumor that was the size of a football.....A FOOTBALL!   I was seriously hoping that it was going to count for about 50 pounds of my body weight...but I have yet to find that out!

Today as I sit on the couch and allow my four inch incision to heal I smile at the worries that I allowed to cloud my mind, I praise God for guiding the Dr.'s hands and his thoughts to schedule that initial ultra sound, I laugh at the comfort of familiar faces of nurses, and the answer to prayer, "God dont' take me from them!"  

I abobt it, Momma

My all time favorite store is Hobby Lobby.  I could, and have, spent hours just walking around that place.  So, now it has become one of Daylen's most comfortable stores....meaning....he knows what I expect of him when we walk into the building.  And he is very obedient.  He knows not to touch, to stay close to me, to ask before he looks at something, when Mom says "STOP" he freezes, and if he is REALLY REALLY good, he might get to pick a toy out of the $1 bin. 

The last time we were there he did exactly what was asked of him.  So, like promised, he got to pick a toy out.  Today's choice was a chunky, little, red and blue dump truck.  He held it close to his chest as I paid for our purchases and we walked out to the car. 

I strapped him into his seat and began emptying the cart when I heard him whimpering softly.  After I got everything tucked away, I opened his door to check what the issue was. 

I quickly noticed that he was playing with his dump truck.  I asked him what was wrong.  With his eyes squinted and the corners of his mouth forced downward he said, "bump tuck sad."

"Why is the dump truck sad"

"Hims house." As his chubby little finger pointed to the Hobby Lobby building.

"Does the dump truck miss his house?"

"Ye'th"

"Do we need to take the dump truck back to his house?"

A couple seconds of silence

"No Momma, I Yuv him, I abobpt him" As he pulls the little truck into his chest and hugs it to himself.

"Oh, You will adopt him and take care of him?" Said through choked back tears and cracking voice.

"Ye-th" with a wide bright smile.

I climbed into my seat and pulled out the box of Kleenex's from the glove compartment.  So, much joy was busting within me at that moment!  For three years we have told him, he is loved, we adopted him because we loved him, we loved him from the match call, we love him, he is adopted and he is loved, he is loved, he is loved, he is loved...And at that very moment by him saying, "I Yuv him, I abobpt him"  he told me that it is all sinking in. ................even if it is through a $1 bump tuck!

Not from my body, but from my heart

My favorite night for TV watching is Thursday night.  Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice to be specific. 

So, last night after day was in bed I turned on the DVR and watched them both.  If you watch them you will know that on Grey's, there is a serious adoption story going along and it about tore my heart out watching it.  If you don't watch it....two of the doctors that are married are in the process of adopting a little girl and are at risk of loosing her.  Watching them go through that fear of loosing her hit really close to home!.....But I don't want to talk about that today, I want to talk about what happened on Private Practice. 

There was a young woman that wanted to have a baby but she was born without a uterus.  So, she was going to get a transplant one from her Grandmother. (I know a little ridiculous, but keep with me).  As one of the doctors was consulting with her and asking her what her reason was for wanting to go through this process. The young woman dwelled on the fact that she wanted a baby of her own.  "MY OWN"  This is what I want to focus on.

Maybe it is because I am at a very different place, or maybe I just wasn't born with that desire, but I NEVER once looked at Daylen and didn't/don't think he's not MY OWN.  From the moment we got that phone call saying we were chosen by a birth mom, he was MINE/OURS.  I love him as much as I would love a child from my body.  Delivering a child didn't make me a Momma. The changing dirty diapers, 4 a.m. feedings, staying up all night praying a fever breaks, cleaning scrapes, kissing boo boos, hugs, kisses, loving.....These are the things that make me a Momma. 

Not to keep you "hanging", they did go through with the procedure, but it did not work.  She will not be able to carry a child.  When the doctor (the very handsome Benjamin Brat) was explaining what happened to her, he told her, that if her mother was standing there with her, she would have said, that it wasn't the delivering of her that made her a mother. 

Sadly, I think we all have seen or even know women and men that have delivered a child and they don't make very good parents.  I may have not delivered my son, but I am a VERY good Momma to him (if I do say so myself). 

I have been asked if I regret not having a child of MY OWN.  My reply is always the same, "I do have a child of my own.  He's standing right over there.  And if you ask him who is Momma is, he will point to me!"

" I Love You the Most"

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One of my favorite parts of the day is Day's bed time. Not because I like to have "alone" time or because I want to get something done....it's because of the routine. It's the time when I can turn off all the surroundings, all the distractions, all the noise, and just talk to Daylen. We started playing a game a few months back where I would say, "I love this...." and say something that was in the room. Daylen caught on and he started blurting out things, so it became, "I love this......LIGHT." We do a few rounds, but I would always end with saying....."I love YOU the MOST." A couple weeks ago, we headed up stairs and started the bedtime routine, I sat down next to the bed helped Day with his prayers, and started the "I Love this...." After a brief pause Daylen looked direct into my eyes and said, "You the Most". I had to work pretty hard to blink back the tears. I couldn't help but pick him up out of bed and squeeze him. After a few moments of extra hug and kiss time I put him back in bed and he blurted out.....TURTLE. So, it was my que that "mushee" time was over. "I love the......BLANKIE"...I love the........BOOK"........"I love the.......TRASH CAN"......"I love YOU the MOST"...."Love Momma Most" I honestly do love him the absolute most! I don't know where I would be without my two guys. I feel so loved every day. I am blessed to have a husband that doesn't get embarassed to say "I love You" infront of his friends, or doesn't care if he just said it ten minutes ago....he makes sure I hear those words multiple times a day. And my favorite part is that he is teaching his son that exact thing. "I love them the MOST"

Placing....Not Giving Up

Brian and I were flipping through channels the other day when a movie caught his attention. It was one of those "dumb funny" ones. The kind that you roll your eyes at most of the time, but find yourself laughing at the most ridiculous things. The back story was about this guy that was adopted and he was out searching for his biological parents. The phrase that kept being tossed around was, "They gave you up for adoption." This sparked a conversation between Brian and I. When I hear "give up" I think that they literally gave up on the child.

I understand, in some cases, this is true. Some birth-moms leave their child on a doorstep, or in the hospital, or they just don't take care of them so the child is taken from them. So, I guess this phrase would be more appropriate. But in our case.....this is NOT true. I prefer to say that Daylen was placed for adoption. He was literally placed in my arms by his birth-mom. She cried as she said good-bye. She searched for a family that would love and care for him. So, NO she didn't GIVE HIM UP.....She loving PLACED him.

Yes it is a small phrase and one that is overlooked most of the time. But it is a phrase I will NEVER use around my son! I will always explain to him that his birth-mom carried him for 9 months, delivered him and then placed him in my arms in adoption. I do not want him to ever have the feeling of being abandoned or left or gave up on. I want him to KNOW that he us PLACED LOVINGLY!

Sweet Sounds

Some may not admit it, but I honestly believe that the scariest part of being an adoptive parent (other than the birth-parents reconsidering, during the waiting period) is the possibility of not making a bond with your child. I blame the Lifetime Movie Network, Dr. Phil and Opera for this scare. They rarely make movies of adoptive families that are perfectly happy, or they next to never have guests that were adopted and have gone on to become a successful member of society. Why? They exist! Hundreds of us are Adoption Success Stories!

But before I knew we were going to be a "success Story" I was worried about the same exact things! (Again because I was watching A LOT of Daytime T.V.) I read the books, I asked opinions, I slept with blankets that we would put in the crib, I wrote in journals, I lived on "Google" seeing what others said, I prayed, and prayed, and prayed!

Then I walked into the hospital room and held MY son. The bond was instant. He laid his head on my chest and closed his eyes. Not one cry, not one stiffening, not one concern. His little hand reached up and took hold of my necklace and still to this day when he is sleepy and we are cuddling he grabs onto that necklace. It was obvious that we were bonded.

As he got a little older, little things reconfirmed that fact for me. And most of them were very small. Like when he was learning to walk and his little hands were holing onto my finger. Or when he was learning to run and fell and he reached out to me for comfort and laid his head on my shoulder. The time he was shooting hoops at the "Big Hoop" and made it,then scanned the room to find me to make sure I was watching him and waited for me to clap and say Good Job until he would try again (even though there were at least twenty other people cheering him on). And even the first couple of moments after getting up from a nap and he just wants to sit on my lap and cuddle. One of my favorites happened right after this picture was taken. When Day crawled over to Brian and planted a kiss on his cheek and wrapped his tiny arms around his neck.

So, Yes I would say that those movies and all those talk shows are only showing a very small percentage of the adoption world. All that is needed for that bond to take place is unconditional love!

Dandelion Dust

Against my better judgement I downloaded the book, "Like Dandelion Dust" by Karen Kingsbury. It's a Christian Fiction book about an adoptive family who are suddenly faced with a fraud adoption and the risk of loosing their son. It was a book I had on my wish list for a while but was to fearful to read it. It seamed it would hit a little too close to home.....but curiosity got the best of me and the next thing I knew it's 2:00 a.m. and I am crying my eyes out reading this story. The title "Like Dandelion Dust" holds a lot of different meanings through out the story, but it made me realize......EVERYTHING we have is like dandelion dust! No matter how tight we hold onto it.....it could blow away with no chance of ever catching it.

I, of course, found myself in the story. And the similarities were frightful. The boy was born in September, he had a stuffed monkey he liked to sleep with, every morning he climbed into his mom and dad's bed before he started his day, he loved playing basketball and his favorite breakfast was french toast. The exact same as my own son. About half way through I felt a knot in my stomach. I KNEW this was just a story, a fiction story but what if...what if we were faced with the same logistic that was described on these pages? Everything we had, Everything we knew could be gone....just like that....like dandelion dust.

I laid there with my eyes closed, but not sleeping for about thirty minutes. I flashed through all the little moments I had through the day. Making breakfast, drying tears, watching the same cartoon ALL day, playing with cars, shooting hoops, cuddeling...cuddeling...cuddeling. I would for sure miss cuddling the most. I slipped out of bed and tip-toed into Daylen's room and sat down next to his bed. I watched as he slept in the only home he had ever known....he would EVER know.

I rememberd back to when we first brought Daylen home. We had to go through many days of waiting for the lawyers and social workers to finalize paper work, for birth parents to sign releases, for judges to review and confirm, for prayers to be answered, for God's Will to be revealed. I remembered thinking that the day we could officially say he was "OUR SON" would never come. It seemed, in those days, that he would be gone.....Like Dandelion Dust.

But here I sit, two years later, watching MY son sleep, in a room that will forever be his, in a home that will always be his, next to a Mommy that will always be known as his.

Look around you, if everything you had vanished like Dandelion Dust, what would you miss the most?

I am reminded

Like a billion other people, I am on Facebook. It has proven to be more joy than I thought it would be. I have been able to reconnect with old friends. And more importantly rejoice and morn with them. Just in the past couple of weeks I have learned about a college friend's young daughter that was diagnosed with kidney cancer. Though I have not spoke or seen this friend in years, I still ached for him and his family. I won't keep you on the limb....she did have her kidney removed and is healing wonderfully. Our Lord has delivered her from death! I have been in little contact with him since I learned of the news, but I assured him that they were in our prayers and thoughts. I have found myself getting on fb every morning just to check on her progress and thankfully, every day brings better and better news.

As I sit and "check" on her I am reminded what a blessing we have been given with a healthy child. I am not "guarded" enough to think we are exempt from illness, but up to this point we have had a healthy child. My nieces and nephews have been spared from grave illness. As I look at my extended family I realize that my cousins and their children have been protected. I don't say this as a "bragging session" only for the amazing-ness!

If you have scoalded your child for a messy bedroom, or told them to stop running in the house, or had to clean up a milk spill....count your blessings!! Your child is home with you and not in a hospital bed. They have healthy strong legs and an appetite. Be reminded that we are blessed!!!

Please lift up our little friend! I am not posting her name due to "protection" but God will know who you are talking about!! :)